Saying Goodbye to San Diego
Been a long day. After having breakfast with Brian, I had to finish packing my car, and then caravanced with Robby back up to Palo Alto. Drive had its surreal moments...driving through LA, 86 degrees, sunroof open and windows down listening to Winter Wonderland. Hour and a half later I was in Gorman, at the top of the Grapevine; it was 44 degrees and there was patches of snow on the hills. By the time I got to Tejon it was 40 and completely socked in by tule fog.
Couple of nights ago all my stress, frustration, and apprehension about events of late kind of came to a head. A friend unwittingly set it off by something he unwittingly did, and while I think my response was valid, the whole thing was mishandled by both of us. I think it was good to get things out in the open, I just wish it could have been done in a better manner.
I think a lot of the stress I've been dealing with comes down to expectations, both on my part, and that of my friends in San Diego. I'm extremel torn between giving the Bay Area a serious try, and returning to San Diego as soon as my mom is settled in her new house. If it was totally up to me, I probably would have just stayed in San Diego in the first place, but it wasn't. Most of my friends have been very understanding of this, and have at least superficially accepted the uncertainty that I will be returning to San Diego. Consequently the past couple of weeks, these friends have made a special effort for us to say our goodbyes; we'll of course stay in contact, but we parted making no assumptions about when we'd get to hang out again.
Other friends either seem not to have understood or haven't been to accept the fact that I may not in fact be coming back to San Diego. These are the ones that would do things like say "we need to do something before you go" and then flake, saying "Its ok, we can just do something when you get back"; or have treated the little time I've been able to hang out as though nothing is changing and I'm just going away on a trip. Call me overly sensitive if you want, but not only has this been extremely frustrating, but also quite hurtful. It'd be one thing if this was just coming from acquantances and casual friends, but its coming from close friends. Instead of making it easier to get through moving, its just made it more difficult. Had a long talk with an old friend about this the other night after blowing up at a friend that was doing this, and she suggested that some people just can't handle saying goodbye and maybe this is a way for them to handle it. I'd like to believe this is the case, and not just a case of thoughtlessness/insensitivity; I'm doing my best not to be judgemental about it, and anything that I've said here I did not intend it in a manner as to reflect poorly on any of my friends; I'm just trying to help explain why I may have reacted the way I have, and it wouldn't even been an issue if I didn't seriously care about said friends.
I am going to try to find the time to visit San Diego while living up here, but with a job I'm not going to be able to come for more than a day or two, and for the forseeable future that's going to be spent with my brother Jacob and maybe spending an hour or two with a cpl of friends. Realistically, unless my job hunt up here goes horribly and I find some wonderful job in San Diego, the odds of me moving back to San Diego in the next year or two are not favorable. I'm not happy with that conclusion at all, but I think its the most likely based on my current situation, and I'm going to make as best of things up here as I can.
I'm exhausted and its freezing here, so its off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a new start.
Couple of nights ago all my stress, frustration, and apprehension about events of late kind of came to a head. A friend unwittingly set it off by something he unwittingly did, and while I think my response was valid, the whole thing was mishandled by both of us. I think it was good to get things out in the open, I just wish it could have been done in a better manner.
I think a lot of the stress I've been dealing with comes down to expectations, both on my part, and that of my friends in San Diego. I'm extremel torn between giving the Bay Area a serious try, and returning to San Diego as soon as my mom is settled in her new house. If it was totally up to me, I probably would have just stayed in San Diego in the first place, but it wasn't. Most of my friends have been very understanding of this, and have at least superficially accepted the uncertainty that I will be returning to San Diego. Consequently the past couple of weeks, these friends have made a special effort for us to say our goodbyes; we'll of course stay in contact, but we parted making no assumptions about when we'd get to hang out again.
Other friends either seem not to have understood or haven't been to accept the fact that I may not in fact be coming back to San Diego. These are the ones that would do things like say "we need to do something before you go" and then flake, saying "Its ok, we can just do something when you get back"; or have treated the little time I've been able to hang out as though nothing is changing and I'm just going away on a trip. Call me overly sensitive if you want, but not only has this been extremely frustrating, but also quite hurtful. It'd be one thing if this was just coming from acquantances and casual friends, but its coming from close friends. Instead of making it easier to get through moving, its just made it more difficult. Had a long talk with an old friend about this the other night after blowing up at a friend that was doing this, and she suggested that some people just can't handle saying goodbye and maybe this is a way for them to handle it. I'd like to believe this is the case, and not just a case of thoughtlessness/insensitivity; I'm doing my best not to be judgemental about it, and anything that I've said here I did not intend it in a manner as to reflect poorly on any of my friends; I'm just trying to help explain why I may have reacted the way I have, and it wouldn't even been an issue if I didn't seriously care about said friends.
I am going to try to find the time to visit San Diego while living up here, but with a job I'm not going to be able to come for more than a day or two, and for the forseeable future that's going to be spent with my brother Jacob and maybe spending an hour or two with a cpl of friends. Realistically, unless my job hunt up here goes horribly and I find some wonderful job in San Diego, the odds of me moving back to San Diego in the next year or two are not favorable. I'm not happy with that conclusion at all, but I think its the most likely based on my current situation, and I'm going to make as best of things up here as I can.
I'm exhausted and its freezing here, so its off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a new start.
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