Nov 30th

Was talking to a friend tonight, when he made one of the most insightful revelations about mainstream relationships that I've heard in a long time:

AnonFriend: I dunno, always been attracted to the exotic women
AnonFriend: not your average girl
AnonFriend: but something different
newtman42: right, but where does that drive come from?
AnonFriend: being forced to mate like a panda

Ok, maybe not the deepest conversation, but an entertaining and keen observation that got me reminiscing. For years I felt like I was obligated to find a nice jewish girl to show off and bring home to mom; it was like a key into the "normal club". When I was single I always felt pressure to find someone, and when I was dating I just got pats on the back. Not to say I just dated (jewish) girls to get people off my back, it was mind-opening and enjoyable and I had a very gratifying year and a half relationship with a woman who I loved (and still love) dearly. But if I'd known and felt what I do now, I don't think I would have followed the same path, even with the crap I would have had to deal with.

I wouldn't have kept trying to do everything in my power to "fit in" with the lifestyle I was brought up in. I wouldn't have let myself be guided in life by guilt and denial. I hope I would have come to grips with the fact that my first obligation was to be true to myself and not to make other people feel comfortable and seek their praise. But as the saying goes, there's no point in crying over spilt milk. A year and a half ago, when I finally began to accept myself for who I am, I felt like a huge rock had been taken off my chest. Not to say its been easy, it was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with, but it didn't take much for me to realize it was better then what I'd been putting myself through before. Things just came to a head; I was terrified of what would happen to my world, but I knew it couldn't be any worse than the way I was feeling at the time.

The past year and a half has made me stronger, it has opened up my perspective, it has increased my tolerance, and allowed me to become a happier ( & I hope a better) person. But not unlike my scientific interests, the more I find out and accept about myself, the more I feel I have yet to understand. Do I enjoy being around and with men? Yes. Do I enjoy being around and with women? Yes. Right now do I feel more inclined towards having relationships with men? Yes, I think so. Does that mean I'm gay and just happen to also be attracted physically and emotionally to women, or does it mean I'm bi? I don't know, I guess right now I'm leaning more towards the former; but it depends on whose definition of either label that you subscribe to. What I do know is that I'm finally able to feel comfortable with myself and be more honest in relationships, not worrying about keeping a completely separate private self from the personality I project.

Most of the people in my life that I've told have been supportive, and for that I am grateful; some have been surprised, others have taken it without blinking an eye. And then some have been hurt and felt I betrayed their trust. To that, all I can say is, this is my life and I'm just sorry I wasn't able to figure out things earlier; but I refuse to be apologetic for finally coming to terms with things.

For me, its just not my thing to walk around announcing how I choose to live my life, nor do I try to hide it. Consequently I've generally dealt with coming out to my friends on a person to person basis; if the subject comes up, or I feel like I'm having to skirt the issue in conversation, I do my best to explaing things. The downside of this, is that with some people there's just no easy or non-awkward way to bring it up. Not that these friends are any less important to me, it just worked out that way. I've got to admit that up until now I've been it putting off until my life settles down a bit. You can try as much as you want not to let it effect those friendships, but you always feel like there's some part of you that's holding back, and for that I am sorry and hope it won't be too hard to get past.

With that said, I'm getting ready to settle down and put my life together up in the bay area in a couple of weeks. I've even been talking with this guy up there for a few weeks, and got to spend some time with him over Thanksgiving break. I don't like to jinx things by saying too much, but he's fun to be around, intelligent, and seems like a really good guy. I'm really looking forward to seeing how things go when I get back up there.

Happy Thanksgiving

Up in the bay area for the week, been spending time up in SF, its been good. Was reading the paper this morning and came across a great opinion piece from one of my favorite journalists, Thomas Friedman:

http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/editorial/outlook/2918145

(New York Times; 11/25/2004)
In my next life, I want to be Tom DeLay, the House majority leader.

Yes, I want to get almost the entire Republican side of the House of Representatives to bend its ethics rules just for me. I want to be able to twist the arms of House Republicans to repeal a rule that automatically requires party leaders to step down if they are indicted on a felony charge — something a Texas prosecutor is considering doing to DeLay because of corruption allegations.

But most of all, I want to have the gall to sully American democracy at a time when young American soldiers are fighting in Iraq so we can enjoy a law-based society here and, maybe, extend it to others. Yes, I want to be Tom DeLay. I want to wear a little American flag on my lapel in solidarity with the troops, while I besmirch every value they are dying for.

If I can't be Tom DeLay, then I want to be one of the gutless Republican House members who voted to twist the rules for DeLay out of fear that "the Hammer," as they call him, might retaliate by taking away a coveted committee position or maybe a parking place.

Yes, I want to be a Republican House member. At a time when 180 of the 211 members of the 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit in Iraq who have been wounded in combat have insisted on returning to duty, I want to look my constituents and my kids in the eye and tell them that I voted to empty the House ethics rules because I was afraid of Tom DeLay.

(*snip*)

If I can't be The Man, then I at least want to be the owner of a Hummer — with American flag decals all over the back bumper, because Hummer owners are, on average, a little more patriotic than you and me.

Yes, I want to drive the mother of all gas-guzzlers that gets so little mileage you have to drive from gas station to gas station. Yes, I want to drive my Hummer and never have to think that by consuming so much oil, I am making transfer payments to the worst Arab regimes that transfer money to Islamic charities that transfer money to madrassas that teach children intolerance, anti-pluralism and how to hate the infidels.

And when one day one of those madrassa graduates goes off and joins the jihad in Fallujah and kills my neighbor's son, who is in the U.S. Army Rangers, I want to drive to his funeral in my Hummer. Yes, I want to curse his killers in front of his mother and wail aloud, "If there was only something I could do." And then I want to drive home in my Hummer, stopping at two gas stations along the way.

If I can't be any of these, then I want to be just a simple blue-state red-state American. I want to take time on this Thanksgiving to thank God I live in a country where, despite so much rampant selfishness, the public schools still manage to produce young men and women ready to voluntarily risk their lives in places like Iraq and Afghanistan to spread the opportunity of freedom and to protect my own. And I want to thank them for doing this, even though on so many days in so many ways we really don't deserve them.

Night on the Town

Should be working on my essay on 16th century european criticism of political and religous authority, but still kinda recovering from last night. Hadn't gotten the chance to do anything with Brian lately, so headed down to Bourbon Street and Flicks. Took advantage of the opportunity to drink and relax for the first time in awhile. It was a great night but just kinda flew by. But now I've gotta finish this essay by noon tomorrow, and then I'm flying home for the week. Should be a good time, one of my friends just got back from 3 months in europe and I've got my 5 year high school reunion.

Support our Armed Forces

We Support You

Whenever I start getting a little depressed or feeling sorry for myself, I go and read military news and blogs/letters from our guys serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. And you know what, it helps give me a better perspective on things. Sure my family is/has fallen apart, yes the money situation sucks, yes its sucking big time getting ready to leave San Diego and all my friends, etc etc. But none of it compares to the sacrifices these guys have made. The fact that they live each day not knowing if they'll see another, many have lost good friends...brothers, missing their loved ones and seeing horrible things day in and day out that when the chance to rest comes they cry themselves to sleep...and there's no shame in that. And what do you hear most often when one of them gets injured and shipped out country? "I just want to get back so I can help my brothers". Call it Bravery, Fidelity, Duty, Integrity, Responsibility, or a foolish proof of manhood, they have earned our support and thankfulness.

I've told a lot of you, my friends, that I'm considering joining the Air Force, Navy, AF/Navy Reserves, Air National Guard, or Army Corps of Engineers somewhere down the line. This is something I have and am still spending a lot of time considering and doing soul searching over. I've gotten the impression from a few of you that you think this is a whim of mine, or that I've got some heroic romanticism for the military. Believe me I've considered both possibilities, and ruled them out to my own satisfaction. Among my motivations are:

1)Cliche as it sounds, I want to see how much I can be; be able to push myself to the limits and come out the other end. I don't want to regret later in life never truely testing my character and resolve. When I have my own family, I want to be able to tell my children what I did with pride and instill them with a love for their country; not just tell them I was a computer programmer who paid the bills.
2)I want to serve my country in a non-ambiguous way. Growing up in the US of A we take a lot of our freedoms and opportunities for granted, without considering the sacrifices that were and ARE STILL made to preserve those freedoms. Yes, it could be argued I could serve my country just as well in a civilian commercial role, but I would like the opportunity to serve in a more direct role.
3)Lets face it, as an engineer I will never have the opportunity to play with the really big, cool, crazy, classified toys unless I am a senior defense contractor or in the military. I'd rather not delegate myself so soon to a stuffy cubicle farm. As an officer I would have opportunities before me that I could only dream of as a civilian, and upon discharge would be one up in the workplace
4) Coming out of 5 years of college, not having a strong family to look to, finally starting to be able to respect myself for what I am instead of what I was "supposed to be", and building a true identity for myself, I feel I really need a solid worthy goal for myself. Something that will encourage me to push myself and really get my life together over the next year or whatnot.

Does this mean for sure that I'll be joining up sometime in the next couple of years?
No, it doesnt; for all I know by the time I really get my shit together I may realize my life is complete without serving in the military. On the other hand if we have a draft I'll most likely be joining up soon rather than later ;). But for now I feel this is a good goal for myself, and I hope you my friends will respect that, and support it if you feel so inclined.

The real dark side of Islam

For any of you who question the morality of what our soldiers are doing in Iraq right now, please check out this movie: Buried in the Sand. It shows something the Israeli's have known for years; how these Islamic Extremists we are dealing with are no better than animals. They are without mercy, they torture their own people, even children. They brainwash their children to the point where they would rather give up their lives and be glorious than to live and be happy. The list goes on and on.

War

Life has no pat endings, and neither do wars. Heroes die, but their deaths are not always heroic. Cowards live, and sometimes they do not deserve to. Such is the way of the world.

November 14

Went on another LGBT Hike on Saturday. We climbed to the top of Cowell Mtn. in East County. Weather was a bit bi-polar, couldn't decide whether to rain or be warm or sunny; other than that the hike was good, as was the company. Still really bogged down with school work, but not feeling very motivated; something about feeling burned out 3 weeks from graduation. Fed up with duplicitous people; particularily with one little snot-nose brat in authority who pretends to treat me with respect, all the while bitching behind my back. Its not too often I wish ill things on people, but sometimes a guy just needs a good punch in the nose to knock him down a notch or two.

Looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving. I don't really know why, but I'm feeling a bit homesick lately. Also got my 5 year high school reunion over the break; not really sure what to expect, other than hoping the popular kids are having bad luck and the rejects are doing well, standard reunion fare. Couldn't get a flight back, so I'm gonna be taking the train back to San Diego; 15 hour trip, but its along the coast, so it should be interesting.

So yeah, I'm done with college in 3.5 weeks, then moving back up to the Bay Area. Still job hunting, got an interview on Tuesday, hopefully something good will come up. A few friends that I thought I was close with aren't too happy about me leaving and seem to be distancing themselves. Its been hard going from a friendship where you talk and do stuff all the time, to only talking occasionally and rarely doing anything. I'm conflicted over whether to say or do anything about it (if there's anything I can do), or just to let them move on. Its ironic, the hardest one for me to speak my mind to on the subject is one of those rare friends who I've always felt I can be totally honest to; maybe I'm just afraid that's not really true anymore.

Unspeakable

Whatever is unnamed, undepicted in images, whatever is omitted from biography, censored in collections of letters, whatever is misnamed as something else, made dificult-to-come-by, whatever is buried in the memory by the collapse of meaning under an inadequate or lying language--this will become not merely unspoken, but unspeakable.

--Adrienne Rich, On Lies, Secrets, and Silence

We Will Remember Them

Solemn the drums thrill; Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres,
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted;
They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.
--Laurence Binyon

May God bless those who have devoted and given their lives to preserve our freedom, and may He give solace to those that they have left behind.

Run

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

--Snow Patrol

Interesting Book

(Warning: Neurotic Jewish content follows)

I just read a great short autobiography titled Confessions of a "Feygele-Boichik". As the title implies its about a gay jewish man coming to grips and harmonizing his two social identities. He's so honest about his experiences you can't help but get drawn into his story. But what really jumped out at me was a passage in the introduction:

Like Jews who assimilate, we learn to "pass" as heterosexual--dressing the part, omitting a lover's gender from conversation, or refraining from public displays of affection. Passing hurts not only ourselves but also the Jewish communities in which we live, which don't reap the benefits of our authentic participation.
When the burden of passing becomes too great, lesbian and gay Jews find the courage to come out. Indeed, this is such a central part of our experience that coming-out stories have assumed the role of sacred text in lesbian and gay culture. For Jews, and for lesbians and gay men, visibility is our key to finding each other, to building community, and to challenging myths and streotypes about our people.
(Twice Blessed, C.Balka & A.Rose, 1989)

The plight of gay Jews resonates so strongly with what the larger Jewish community has been facing for thousands of years, you can't help but make the comparison. Both reading about it and seeing it first hand, it is so sadly ironic that such a historically oppressed community inflicts the behavior of their oppressors upon members of their own group. While it is rarely as extreme as in the Ultra-Orthodox community where parents will often say Kaddish for their gay child, its not unusual to hear of experiences of gay Jews being encouraged to "be quiet" about their identity in order to maintain "community unity". Even more insidious is the use of Jewish guilt parents will use on their children, banging into them how heartbroken they would if their heterosexual dreams of a family for their children were dashed on the rocks. Instead of being a source of strength for their sons/daughters, as Jewish parents typically are, they become a source for self-imposed guilt and shame over a secret they are too scared to name.

Now I know there are exceptions to this, and I hope in fact that it is not the norm. I'm sure many jewish homes foster an environment in which their children feel they can be themselves. And certainly after the initial shock of coming out, who hasn't heard the stereotype of the gay jewish man with his over-protective mother ;). But being of the Jewish community, one shouldn't even have to look for the exceptions, it should simply be. After following Torah, two of the most important tenants of Judaism are practicing gmilut chassidim and tikkun olam. Not to be too condescending, but we were directed to be as a light among nations. While many Jews are at the forefront of fighting for the rights and fair treatment of the oppressed, be they racial minorities, economically disadvantaged, or cultural minorities, the greater community needs to look inwardly and do some soul searching.

Progress

In this world we have a painful kind of progress..
regretting what we've left behind, and dreaming of what's ahead...

-Angels in America

Haven't been feeling too hot, physically or emotionally, the past week. Prospect that I had some actual hope in seems to have fallen apart; student loans are still a mess, etc. Week wasn't a total loss, got some work done, and had a great time with Eric down in Hillcrest Friday night; so...much...good food! Spent most of the weekend around the house, watched Henry V, did a lot of thinking, the old battle between regret and trying to be "strong". Still haven't made any decisions, gonna see how this coming week goes. Hopefully be bogged down enough by work that I don't keep getting caught staring off into space.

Watched "Angels in America" tonight. It may not be everyone's piece of cake, but I really enjoyed it. Its a nice contrast to "And the Band Played On", which though it was an important and very profound movie, its characters often seemed to lack humanitarian depth through its very documentary nature. I know its cliche, but I think there were some very helpful messages in Angels. Especially as a jew, we are taught that the world is "broken" and it is our job to do what we can to fix it. We notice all its little flaws, become insensed at them and go through the motions of "doing our part", sometimes even making a bit of difference. But so often we're so caught up in what's wrong with the world, we forget about what's right. We internalize the problems that we see, because we feel that we are of this world, forgetting that we are but characters in it; ie we have only one life and we should make the best of what there is. Its ok to be happy, even when you're surrounded by tradgedy and ugliness. There's no shame in that.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.