Out of Touch

I just found out that one of my dearest friends from college is moving to Israel to go to medical school in Tel Aviv. Wonderful news, mazel tov and all that, but apparently he's leaving like any day now. How have I managed to get so out of touch with my friends in San Diego? I apparently still haven't figured out a good balance between having a life up here, and not abandoning the one I had down there. I guess the best I can do is grin and bear it, and hope my friends have a backup supply of patience and forgiveness. I'm trying to make it down for a few days in July, so hopefully that'll improve matters.

May 22

Sweet love, don't deny me just a hand to hold;
I may not always be the one who sees.
I find myself blinded from time to time,
Reaching out for someone who can take the lead.
And in my weariness I've tried to cry
Although my eyes are dry, I've cried inside.

Sweet love, let me lay myself beside you
And listen to your breathing 'til it slows
Long enough to dream a vision of my life
Wrapped up in the gentle wind that blows.
A vision of a life lived long ago--
I see it, though the lights are low.

Sweet love, like the leaves that fall
The scenes go drifting by my eyes.
And I remember holding you
Telling you that it would be all right
You know the road looked straight ahead from far away
But it turned into a blind curve
And I've lost my way today.
--Kate Wolf

May 8th

Spent all day Saturday clearing a giant oak tree that fell on the property, in so much bloody pain I can't believe it. Today was pretty much a bomb too. With the exception of finally being able to hang out with the whole crew last night, the weekend pretty much sucked ass. Alcohol makes pain killers work better, right? Hopefully...

Hurt

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Post-Hiatus Update

So if you haven't noticed, I haven't posted in awhile, something like a month and a half. Life's been pretty busy/complicated lately, and the little unoccupied time I've had, has been away from the computer. Work has been really consuming lately, as I've been busy getting a crash course in the intracies of our software system, necessitated by the departure of two key engineers. Thankfully both departures are friendly ones, giving me/us a safety line if we don't understand some component.

In other news, Greg and I are just reaching the two month mark. Its funny how one day you find yourself going out on dates with a someone, and the next time you think about it you realize that instead of counting the times you've gone out, you're counting the days in between seeing them. Greg has just added something to my life that I haven't had anything near to in a long time. But its also sad, because its really made it evident to me how jaded and insecure about dating I had become after my years in good old shallow San Diego. I'd find myself coming home from dates wondering if I'd even see him again, and holding back, afraid I'd get hurt. Trying to fall asleep at night, my mind would just keep coming up with reasons why it wouldn't work out.

At some point I just got fed up with how self-destructively I was thinking and the fact that out of fear of getting hurt, I might be throwing away something great. I've tried my hardest to open up and not operate with a worst case scenario mentality and the reward of what I've gotten back in return has been ten fold. I don't think I've ever before experienced the simpatico I have with him. Even when I'm at my worst, he's there to remind me how absurd life can be and pull me back to center.

Is that to say everything is now perfect? No, of course not. I still sometimes have the occasionaly silly fears at the back of my mind; I still find I have a few sore spots that can get triggered by the most benign comment or action. But I'm not afraid of being myself, and I'm not afraid of admitting my faults (at least some of them...lets be reasonable). Most surprisingly to me, even when I discover something about him that doesn't fit into some idylic (and unrealistic) mold of a perfect bf, I find myself loving him more. I'm not afraid of finding out something about him that might make me look at him in a different light...there's something very comforting in that knowledge.

So yeah, that's been taking a big chunk out of my normal screw around time. I don't regret a minute of it, but I'm still trying to figure out a good way of managing my time between work, my man, and working on my mom's house. Eventually I'll figure it out.

Stay tuned, lots more that I don't have the time to talk about right now.

April 29

Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she’s gone I can’t go on
Feelin’ two-foot small

Everywhere people stare
Each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say

Hey you’ve got to hide your love away
Hey you’ve got to hide your love away

How could I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I’m in

How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say

Hey you’ve got to hide your love away
Hey you’ve got to hide your love away

March 16

Been a very draining few days, been banging my head up against the wall on a stupid problem at work and the move is really frustrating. And just found out I won't be seeing the guy I'm going out with till this weekend. "Blah" pretty much describes my current state to a T.

UPDATE (4:33PM): Jesus H. Christ, finally fixed the bug I've been working on at work for 3 days.

Quand Tu Danses

J'ai fait la liste de ce qu'on ne sera plus
Quand tu danses, quand tu danses
Mais que deviennent les amoureux perdus
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?

Amis non, ni amants, étrangers non plus
Quand tu danses, quand tu danses
Mais quel après, après s'être appartenus
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?

Je crois bien que j'aurai besoin de te voir
Quand tu danses, quand tu danses
Sans te parler, ni déranger, mais te voir
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?

Et toutes les peines, toutes, contre une seule de nos minutes

Mais n'être plus rien après tant, c'est pas juste
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?

Et j'ai fait la liste de ce qu'on ne sera plus

Mais que deviennent les amours éperdues?
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?
Quand tu danses, y songes-tu?

February 21

Its been awhile since I posted, so there's quite a few updates. First after months of job hunting I received two offers on the same day a couple of weeks ago. It was a hard choice, but I ended up going with a 4 yr old startup in Mountain View doing Forensic System/Network Engineering (not going to go into details here, but if you're curious msg me). They offered me a great compensation package and I may get a chance to work on some gov't contracts like I've been hoping to do. Finally starting work tomorrow morning.

Renovation on the new house is progressing; we've ripped out all the carpets and have started working on installing the hardwood flooring. Also finished staining/sealing the 20 ft cathedral ceilings in the great room and two upstairs bedrooms and bath, and built a new closet for my bedroom. Kitchen counters are all ripped out as is the tile. Installers for the new granite countertop are coming in this week, as well as the plumber for putting in a gas line for the new stove. Not sure when I'm gonna get around to refinishing the cabinets.

Life has been a bit complex and confusing lately. Finished with a wonderful situation where I thought I could let down my guard and got burned for it. Think its time to start being choosier about who I associate myself with, even if it means possibly missing out on something that could be good. As busy and stressed as I am with moving and a new job, its not the time to be taking risks. With that said, finally making some more friends up here after being gone ~5 years, its a nice change.

Oh yeah, and my diploma came! :)

January 26

I pray that our Heavenly Father
may assuage the anguish of your bereavement,
and leave you only the cherished memory of the
loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours,
to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of Freedom.
-- Abraham Lincoln, November 1864

36 Marines killed in deadliest day of action in Iraq

Arlington National Cemetery
Fallen Heroes Memorial

January 9

Its just been one of those days.

It just seems like a lot of things have come together ,in the past few days, to make life feel very complicated; to the point where even when good things happen, it doesn't really seem to register. We finally bought a house on Thursday, and I'm really excited about it, but my anxiety about it didn't go away at all when we found out our bid had been accepted. I make new friends or hang out with people I'm interested in, and bad things just seem to happen right when things are seemingly good. Still no job in sight, and funds are running low. I feel like I'm being hit with a case of cosmic indifference. And its so frustrating for me, that I'll get upset at the littlest things, or be bitchy with people who are just trying to get to know me. As if it weren't bad enough that I'm unconsciously trying to push people away, I find it taking a large amount of will to not actively push people away. So that's been the past couple of weeks, just gotten worse in the past few days.

I've been asking myself, what exactly am I looking for in a companion right now? I think it basically comes down to that I'm looking for someone open minded and understanding enough that they'll be willing to look past my stress related problems and give me the chance to show the real me. Someone without hard expectations on how things should go. I'm basically trying to operate under the golden dating rule of "I'll give you a chance and try and work around your quirks, if you'll do the same for me". Am I looking for a serious relationship right now, or something more casual? I don't really know. I'm really looking more for someone who when I'm with them I can let go of my stress and just enjoy life, and wherever it goes, so be it.

December 31

Let me go back from the traveled road
Away from the crowds pushing by,
To a quiet hill where the woods are still,
Serene 'neath a clean, blue sky.

I would go back, far back from the road,
Away from the haunts of men,
I would find peace of mind
where the hidden trails wind,
And strength to return again.
-Helen L. Marshall

December 24

Not too talkative tonight, so gonna keep it short. Getting settled in here, think we may have found a good house up in the hills behind palo alto. got to go to a david broza concert with my mom up in SF. still job hunting. better update in a couple days.

Saying Goodbye to San Diego

Been a long day. After having breakfast with Brian, I had to finish packing my car, and then caravanced with Robby back up to Palo Alto. Drive had its surreal moments...driving through LA, 86 degrees, sunroof open and windows down listening to Winter Wonderland. Hour and a half later I was in Gorman, at the top of the Grapevine; it was 44 degrees and there was patches of snow on the hills. By the time I got to Tejon it was 40 and completely socked in by tule fog.

Couple of nights ago all my stress, frustration, and apprehension about events of late kind of came to a head. A friend unwittingly set it off by something he unwittingly did, and while I think my response was valid, the whole thing was mishandled by both of us. I think it was good to get things out in the open, I just wish it could have been done in a better manner.

I think a lot of the stress I've been dealing with comes down to expectations, both on my part, and that of my friends in San Diego. I'm extremel torn between giving the Bay Area a serious try, and returning to San Diego as soon as my mom is settled in her new house. If it was totally up to me, I probably would have just stayed in San Diego in the first place, but it wasn't. Most of my friends have been very understanding of this, and have at least superficially accepted the uncertainty that I will be returning to San Diego. Consequently the past couple of weeks, these friends have made a special effort for us to say our goodbyes; we'll of course stay in contact, but we parted making no assumptions about when we'd get to hang out again.

Other friends either seem not to have understood or haven't been to accept the fact that I may not in fact be coming back to San Diego. These are the ones that would do things like say "we need to do something before you go" and then flake, saying "Its ok, we can just do something when you get back"; or have treated the little time I've been able to hang out as though nothing is changing and I'm just going away on a trip. Call me overly sensitive if you want, but not only has this been extremely frustrating, but also quite hurtful. It'd be one thing if this was just coming from acquantances and casual friends, but its coming from close friends. Instead of making it easier to get through moving, its just made it more difficult. Had a long talk with an old friend about this the other night after blowing up at a friend that was doing this, and she suggested that some people just can't handle saying goodbye and maybe this is a way for them to handle it. I'd like to believe this is the case, and not just a case of thoughtlessness/insensitivity; I'm doing my best not to be judgemental about it, and anything that I've said here I did not intend it in a manner as to reflect poorly on any of my friends; I'm just trying to help explain why I may have reacted the way I have, and it wouldn't even been an issue if I didn't seriously care about said friends.

I am going to try to find the time to visit San Diego while living up here, but with a job I'm not going to be able to come for more than a day or two, and for the forseeable future that's going to be spent with my brother Jacob and maybe spending an hour or two with a cpl of friends. Realistically, unless my job hunt up here goes horribly and I find some wonderful job in San Diego, the odds of me moving back to San Diego in the next year or two are not favorable. I'm not happy with that conclusion at all, but I think its the most likely based on my current situation, and I'm going to make as best of things up here as I can.

I'm exhausted and its freezing here, so its off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a new start.

December 18

Things always end badly, otherwise they wouldn't end at all.

Heading back up North

Last couple of weeks have been a bit surreal, between finals, getting ready to move, worrying about my brother, and saying goodbye to friends. Things haven't been really good, but they also haven't been really bad, more in a purgatorial state of hazy definition. I'm now a college graduate, but I still don't have a job. I'm moving back home, but we just sold "home" and need to move over the next 3 months. My brother is out of the hospital, but we know things will be getting worse over the coming months. I'm looking forward to seeing friends up North, but I'm leaving even more friends behind. I'm yearning to stay in one place for more than 3 months at a time, but I don't know if the Bay Area is that place. The list of contrasts goes on and on.

I've gotten to the point where I just can't think about it too much, or I'll go nuts. I've had to begin to just become more accepting of the way things are. Other than vaguries such as knowing I want to near SF or in San Diego, and the kind of job I want, I really can't foresee a path for my future right now. Up until now, college has made seeing that path easy. But now that chapter is done and for really the first time in my life I find myself having to give in to fate & happenstance, and letting time do the telling.

Dec. 4

Its been a long couple of days, been splitting my time between studying for finals and being at the hospital. My brother's condition started improving yesterday evening. His doctor's finally found medication that helps with the pain and he's started taking fluids and acting more like himself. He's hopefully heading home in a few days, and we'll see where things go from there as far as long term treatment goes. I've pushed back moving a week so I won't be quite so rushed packing and seeing friends, and I'll hopefully get some more time to hang out with him. Other than that just busting my ass for finals, can't wait to be DONE with college in 4 days.

Never take life for granted

So today was looking to be a pretty good day. It was my last day of class at UCSD, and things were looking pretty good for finals. Then I checked my email. Its never good when you receive an message with the subject line: "our Brother has cancer".

One of my fraternity brothers and friends had been sick on and off this quarter and had been having problems with headaches. We hadn't thought much about it, as this isn't too uncommon with younger college students, so just kinda brushed it off. I've been so caught up with class and my life lately, that I hadn't even realized I hadn't seen him around the last couple of weeks; sometimes schedules just work out that way. But then today I got that email. He'd had a relapse of leukemia, there was an infection, he was in the hospital, no other details. I can't describe the things that were going through my mind; all my past encounters with cancer in my family and friends, all the possible scenarios. I went to visit him this evening along with one of my other brothers, he's just down the road at Children's. I tried to steel myself as we went through the hospital, but somehow no matter how many times you go to see someone you care about in the hospital, you're never really prepared. Even before we got to his room we could tell which one was his, the one with the worried jewish auntie outside. His mom warned us he was in a lot of pain and cranky and not too cognizant. I went in to see my brother curled in a fetal position, grimacing, hooked up to a morphine drip; they'd just changed his medication and he was reacting to it with cold tremors, so his dad was doing his best to warm him up and provide what little comfort he could. We tried saying hi and talking to him, I think he realized we were there, but no more than that; he just kept drifting between delirious consciousness and a restless sleep.

Talked to his mom for awhile, found out he'd been putting off telling us anything for weeks for fear of us treating him differently or embarassment; she talked about hopes for him to be able to come back spring quarter if he's better and how much his fraternity brothers meant to him. It couldn't help but touch you, just seeing so much gratitude for the small act of coming to the hospital to visit. I can't believe how strong a woman she is, he's a very lucky kid. Dor had the great idea to bring just some everyday things the family might forget, so we're gonna head back tomorrow to see him again. I'll keep going either way, but hopefully he'll be a little more aware and lucid next time so we can talk. I've gotten the impression that it'll be really important for him to understand that we, his brothers and friends are going to be by him through all of this; and for him to know we're not going to treat him like a "sick person".

Its been a long day, so just gonna head to bed. All I can think is that things like this really put your own life in perspective.

Nov 30th

Was talking to a friend tonight, when he made one of the most insightful revelations about mainstream relationships that I've heard in a long time:

AnonFriend: I dunno, always been attracted to the exotic women
AnonFriend: not your average girl
AnonFriend: but something different
newtman42: right, but where does that drive come from?
AnonFriend: being forced to mate like a panda

Ok, maybe not the deepest conversation, but an entertaining and keen observation that got me reminiscing. For years I felt like I was obligated to find a nice jewish girl to show off and bring home to mom; it was like a key into the "normal club". When I was single I always felt pressure to find someone, and when I was dating I just got pats on the back. Not to say I just dated (jewish) girls to get people off my back, it was mind-opening and enjoyable and I had a very gratifying year and a half relationship with a woman who I loved (and still love) dearly. But if I'd known and felt what I do now, I don't think I would have followed the same path, even with the crap I would have had to deal with.

I wouldn't have kept trying to do everything in my power to "fit in" with the lifestyle I was brought up in. I wouldn't have let myself be guided in life by guilt and denial. I hope I would have come to grips with the fact that my first obligation was to be true to myself and not to make other people feel comfortable and seek their praise. But as the saying goes, there's no point in crying over spilt milk. A year and a half ago, when I finally began to accept myself for who I am, I felt like a huge rock had been taken off my chest. Not to say its been easy, it was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with, but it didn't take much for me to realize it was better then what I'd been putting myself through before. Things just came to a head; I was terrified of what would happen to my world, but I knew it couldn't be any worse than the way I was feeling at the time.

The past year and a half has made me stronger, it has opened up my perspective, it has increased my tolerance, and allowed me to become a happier ( & I hope a better) person. But not unlike my scientific interests, the more I find out and accept about myself, the more I feel I have yet to understand. Do I enjoy being around and with men? Yes. Do I enjoy being around and with women? Yes. Right now do I feel more inclined towards having relationships with men? Yes, I think so. Does that mean I'm gay and just happen to also be attracted physically and emotionally to women, or does it mean I'm bi? I don't know, I guess right now I'm leaning more towards the former; but it depends on whose definition of either label that you subscribe to. What I do know is that I'm finally able to feel comfortable with myself and be more honest in relationships, not worrying about keeping a completely separate private self from the personality I project.

Most of the people in my life that I've told have been supportive, and for that I am grateful; some have been surprised, others have taken it without blinking an eye. And then some have been hurt and felt I betrayed their trust. To that, all I can say is, this is my life and I'm just sorry I wasn't able to figure out things earlier; but I refuse to be apologetic for finally coming to terms with things.

For me, its just not my thing to walk around announcing how I choose to live my life, nor do I try to hide it. Consequently I've generally dealt with coming out to my friends on a person to person basis; if the subject comes up, or I feel like I'm having to skirt the issue in conversation, I do my best to explaing things. The downside of this, is that with some people there's just no easy or non-awkward way to bring it up. Not that these friends are any less important to me, it just worked out that way. I've got to admit that up until now I've been it putting off until my life settles down a bit. You can try as much as you want not to let it effect those friendships, but you always feel like there's some part of you that's holding back, and for that I am sorry and hope it won't be too hard to get past.

With that said, I'm getting ready to settle down and put my life together up in the bay area in a couple of weeks. I've even been talking with this guy up there for a few weeks, and got to spend some time with him over Thanksgiving break. I don't like to jinx things by saying too much, but he's fun to be around, intelligent, and seems like a really good guy. I'm really looking forward to seeing how things go when I get back up there.

Happy Thanksgiving

Up in the bay area for the week, been spending time up in SF, its been good. Was reading the paper this morning and came across a great opinion piece from one of my favorite journalists, Thomas Friedman:

http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/editorial/outlook/2918145

(New York Times; 11/25/2004)
In my next life, I want to be Tom DeLay, the House majority leader.

Yes, I want to get almost the entire Republican side of the House of Representatives to bend its ethics rules just for me. I want to be able to twist the arms of House Republicans to repeal a rule that automatically requires party leaders to step down if they are indicted on a felony charge — something a Texas prosecutor is considering doing to DeLay because of corruption allegations.

But most of all, I want to have the gall to sully American democracy at a time when young American soldiers are fighting in Iraq so we can enjoy a law-based society here and, maybe, extend it to others. Yes, I want to be Tom DeLay. I want to wear a little American flag on my lapel in solidarity with the troops, while I besmirch every value they are dying for.

If I can't be Tom DeLay, then I want to be one of the gutless Republican House members who voted to twist the rules for DeLay out of fear that "the Hammer," as they call him, might retaliate by taking away a coveted committee position or maybe a parking place.

Yes, I want to be a Republican House member. At a time when 180 of the 211 members of the 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit in Iraq who have been wounded in combat have insisted on returning to duty, I want to look my constituents and my kids in the eye and tell them that I voted to empty the House ethics rules because I was afraid of Tom DeLay.

(*snip*)

If I can't be The Man, then I at least want to be the owner of a Hummer — with American flag decals all over the back bumper, because Hummer owners are, on average, a little more patriotic than you and me.

Yes, I want to drive the mother of all gas-guzzlers that gets so little mileage you have to drive from gas station to gas station. Yes, I want to drive my Hummer and never have to think that by consuming so much oil, I am making transfer payments to the worst Arab regimes that transfer money to Islamic charities that transfer money to madrassas that teach children intolerance, anti-pluralism and how to hate the infidels.

And when one day one of those madrassa graduates goes off and joins the jihad in Fallujah and kills my neighbor's son, who is in the U.S. Army Rangers, I want to drive to his funeral in my Hummer. Yes, I want to curse his killers in front of his mother and wail aloud, "If there was only something I could do." And then I want to drive home in my Hummer, stopping at two gas stations along the way.

If I can't be any of these, then I want to be just a simple blue-state red-state American. I want to take time on this Thanksgiving to thank God I live in a country where, despite so much rampant selfishness, the public schools still manage to produce young men and women ready to voluntarily risk their lives in places like Iraq and Afghanistan to spread the opportunity of freedom and to protect my own. And I want to thank them for doing this, even though on so many days in so many ways we really don't deserve them.